


Separation Anxiety

by Moontyger



Category: Pillars of Eternity
Genre: First Time, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Yuleporn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 14:54:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5460494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moontyger/pseuds/Moontyger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Edér finally buys Aloth that ale he promised.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Separation Anxiety

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Andraste](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andraste/gifts).



The Goose and Fox was always crowded, no matter what time they walked – or staggered, most often, eyes glazed and limbs ponderous with exhaustion and injury – through its door. Even in the wee hours of the morning, the air was heavy with smoke and conversation, and while there were plenty of spaces available around the bar and at the tables, they'd yet to arrive to see the common room completely empty.

Aloth wasn't sure how anyone slept well in such a place; he certainly didn't. Not that he had so many superior alternatives these days, not since he'd come to Dyrwood. Inns in smaller towns were quieter, but the beds were lumpier and the food frequently barely worthy of the name. Camping on the road was even more uncomfortable, damp far more often than he'd have preferred, and came with a lingering sense of an ambush just waiting to happen as soon as he closed his eyes. And for all that it was currently the closest thing to a home most of them had, Caed Nua was hardly better. The rooms in Brighthollow were nicer than those at even the most expensive inn they'd stayed at on the road, but it didn't take a Watcher's talents to be all-too-conscious of the dungeon below, nor much imagination to envision waking to find one of the creatures from the Endless Paths standing over the bed, ready to strike.

It would be better if he ceased to need sleep at all. Of course, this was hardly the first time he'd had that particular thought and wishing had yet to make it so.

Tonight, however, Aloth was grateful for the inn's popularity. Unable to sleep, he'd made his way down to the bar, thinking perhaps a drink would take the edge off, fade his acute awareness of the noise and activity just enough that he'd be able to rest. If it had been deserted, he doubted he'd have had the courage to leave his room, but Iselmyr's nudging and the knowledge that he'd be merely one among many got him out of bed and down the stairs.

When he noticed Edér lounging in the corner, pipe in his mouth and tankard on the table before him, he almost turned around, but it was already too late. Edér wasn't even close to the most intelligent man Aloth had ever met, but there was nothing wrong with his eyesight. Edér smiled and waved him over and Aloth found he was too polite to refuse.

“Well, hey,” Edér said once he drew close enough that they could converse easily. “I didn't expect to see you down here tonight.”

“I didn't expect to be here,” Aloth replied stiffly. He pulled out a chair and reluctantly sat in it, hands folded uneasily in his lap. It had seemed such a good plan! Why on this of all nights had someone else had to have the same idea?

“I'm not complaining. It's nice to have some company – a lot better than drinking alone. Which reminds me, I promised you an ale.”

“That's hardly necessary,” Aloth protested, but Edér ignored that and got to his feet.

“Wait right there and I'll be back with it.”

He could perhaps have taken the opportunity to slip away, but Aloth could think of no excuse for doing so that didn't make him either rude or a coward. So he waited, feeling awkward and conspicuous enough that he was almost relieved when Edér returned, a tankard of ale in each hand.

Aloth stared, however, when Edér set them both in front of him. “I don't understand. Shouldn't one of these be for you?”

“One for Iselmyr, and one for you, like I promised,” Edér explained, settling back into his chair as though he'd never left it.

Aloth frowned, his hands forming unconscious fists where they lay against his thighs. “You know it doesn't work like that, don't you?”

Edér shrugged. “I don't see why not.”

“Because this is still my body and it's the only one there is.” Despite his misgivings, Aloth picked up one of the mugs and drank from it, his movements controlled and precise. He'd learned early not to move quickly and risk clumsiness; as flaws went, that was one that made him an easy target. 

After he set his drink back down, he looked over at Edér, whose expression of friendly interest hadn't changed. “I don't understand what you want with her.”

“What's to understand? I like her.”

 _I like him, too,_ Iselmyr said, but Aloth didn't pass her words along. _Better than the useless types ye spend most of yer time with._

_Hush. Like him or not, even you can see this is stupid._

“Be that as it may, you must know that it can't go anywhere. Even if your intention was to get me drunk so she'd be in control - even if it worked that way, which it doesn't – it would still be my body, not hers.”

“I know that.”

Aloth took another drink to fortify himself before he replied. _This is all your fault. If you had any decency..._ He was thankful that he'd never had to have this conversation before and he dearly hoped he'd never have to again. He was obviously going to have to do a better job of keeping Iselmyr and her appetites under control. “Then I don't understand what you want.”

Edér grinned at him, long and slow, the skin around his eyes crinkling in genuine amusement. “Are you asking my intentions?”

“Not like that!” Even if he'd been inclined to be protective, which was absurd given the circumstances, Iselmyr hardly needed it.

“It doesn't have to be a problem. I like you, too – at least, I like you as much as you'll let me. You're not an easy man to get to know.”

Aloth stared at him, unsure how to take that. Was he really suggesting…?

_Let me talk to him. Ye'll just make a mess o' it._

_No. Not now._ They struggled, their invisible striving occupying so much of his attention that Aloth startled when he felt the warmth of Edér's hand on his own. He looked blankly down at their entwined hands, callused human fingers dwarfing his own, and felt oddly distant from the image, as though one of those hands didn't belong to him at all. When was the last time anyone had held his hand? He tried to remember, but came up with nothing.

“You said you learned to hide Iselmyr a long time ago. I'm guessing that means you never had many friends. Couldn't let yourself to get close to anyone, in case they figured out what was going on with you.”

“That's… true, yes.” Aloth felt curiously lightheaded, though he knew he hadn't drunk nearly enough for that. “I don't think anyone considered it much of a loss.” Certainly no one had put so much effort into becoming close to him that keeping his distance had ever been particularly difficult.

“Did you ever think about what it might be like?” Edér curled his fingers, lifting Aloth's hand off the table and completely enclosing it with his own.

“No.” Aloth shook his head, but he could hear the tremor in his voice and feel the flush in his cheeks. Talking about this made him feel like an especially backwards child. He knew well that he lacked the experience most would expect in a man of his age; Iselmyr had told him so often enough, but he'd always dismissed her concerns. Now he was suddenly both extremely conscious of it and having a hard time falling back on his usual self-righteous attitude about chastity (or the lack thereof). “There was no point in thinking about something that wasn't possible for me.” Hadn't everything about his life taught him that? If he wanted something and truly thought he would be able to attain it, it only hurt more when he was denied it. Better to want nothing at all or, when that wasn't possible, to at least not dwell on the things he couldn't have.

Edér turned Aloth's hand over and stroked it, tracing the lines across his palm with his warm, rough-skinned thumb. Aloth shivered and fought to keep his breathing even. He was surprised by the strength of his response to such a simple touch; he had never considered hands to be particularly sensitive except in the most inconvenient of ways, prone to excessive pain from a mere paper cut or aching with cold even inside gloves during the winter, but offering little in the way of pleasant sensations in recompense.

“Maybe you gave up too easily,” Edér observed, and though Aloth searched his face for any hint that he was making fun of him, he saw none.

“I don't know what to say,” he admitted finally, when the silence between them had stretched too long. A simple truth, but a difficult one to admit. 

Edér smirked. “I bet Iselmyr has some suggestions.”

Aloth tensed and pulled his hand back, stung by the reminder.

“Wait, I didn't mean it that way. I get it: you're worried I'm using you. Treating you like you're just some kind of living container.”

“I think we both know that's the case.” Aloth's tone was clipped and chilly as he retreated into the lofty arrogance that had so often been his only comfort while he sat on the sidelines and watched the other students at the Academy and their easy way with each other.

Edér just kept talking, like he hadn't noticed. “If I were in your shoes, I guess I might feel the same way. So all right, I'll make you a deal. If you're interested, we'll go back to my room – or yours, if you'd rather – and I won't mention her or ask to talk to her or anything. Just be yourself – you, Aloth. If it can work like that for you. What do you think?”

“I… don't know.” He was more tempted than he would have expected. Aloth would never have thought big blond folk farmboys were his type, as much as he had a type at all, but presented with the prospect, he found he couldn't deny that he found Edér attractive. But that was hardly the only consideration. The largest one, looming over all his inexperienced nerves and general doubts like a blade poised to fall, was that he wasn't sure how well it would work. Most times he could keep himself separate well enough, but his control was far from perfect. “I've never tried anything like it before.”

“You figured out she takes over when you feel threatened, so we'll just have to make sure you feel safe. And you will be: you can leave whenever you want, and you don't have to do anything you don't want to. What do you say – worth giving it a try?”

Aloth was still hesitant, but curiosity and the memory of how much he'd enjoyed Edér stroking his hand made up his mind. “All right. But I expect you to abide by that.”

“Of course. I'm a man of my word.”

This time, when Edér stood, Aloth followed, holding his head high and back straight as they ascended the stairs together. No one, he told himself firmly, would think anything of it – he and Edér had arrived here as part of the same party enough times that it should be no surprise if they sought each other's company and traveled together even this short distance. 

Once upstairs, they paused by Edér's room, but after looking at the door and finding himself utterly unable to reach for the knob, Aloth turned toward his own. It wasn't that it was actually any more private, but it was his, if only by grace of coin, and somehow that made it seem as if it were.

Unlocking the door and latching it behind them once more was the work of but a moment. It was what came after that had him at a loss. Aloth looked up at Edér, who suddenly seemed much larger when it was just the two of them locked in a small room like this, and hadn't the slightest idea how to proceed.

“As you asked for just me, you'll have to provide some help,” he pointed out, voice sharp with the nervousness he was trying and failing to suppress. “I don't have her memories and I've never done anything like this before.”

“I can see that.” Edér took a step closer and took both of Aloth's hands. “Most people start by touching each other. Like this.” He placed Aloth's hands on either side of his waist and stepped closer. Aloth stared up at him, hardly daring to breathe. Edér's shirt was worn and the weave of the fabric uneven, but it was warm where it had lain against his skin. The body under his hands was solid enough that if he'd considered this might all be in his head, proof that Iselmyr had merely been a first step on an inevitable descent into insanity, he now knew better. Visions were rarely tangible and if he were somehow fantasizing without being aware of it, Aloth was sure he'd have forgotten some of these details.

“And then?”

“Even if you haven't done it, I'm sure you know about kissing.” Aloth had just enough time to see Edér's smile before he suited action to words.

It was true that he'd never tried it and, while he'd been unable to completely avoid thinking about it, he had never considered what it would be like kissing someone with a beard. The beard _was_ rough, but Edér's lips were still soft, and his evident interest was enough encouragement that Aloth felt willing to try kissing back. He stepped closer, letting his hands slide over fabric made thin and soft by time and washing until he was embracing Edér's waist, suddenly hungry for the sensation of another body pressed against his own.

When Edér lifted his head and ended the kiss, they were both breathing more heavily. Edér's cheeks were flushed, but he looked altogether pleased with the situation as he looked down at Aloth.

“There, that wasn't so bad, was it?”

“No, it was… quite nice, actually.” Aloth realized too late that it had probably been a rhetorical question, but Edér didn't seem bothered by it.

“Then I take it you're up for more.” It wasn't a question, but that was all right. It was so self-evidently true that there was little need for it.

Edér took his hand and led him toward the bed and while Aloth's heart beat faster, he followed willingly. He was understandably nervous, but that wasn't the same as being afraid, and his interest, if anything, had been heightened.

It helped that Edér didn't try to force anything. He sat on the edge of the bed, still holding one of Aloth's hands, but his grip was loose enough to allow easy escape – far looser, Aloth was certain, than Edér was capable of, after all the time he had spent swinging heavy weapons during both this journey and the war before it. Standing here before him, Aloth was the taller one now. It was a strange feeling, standing so close and looking down on someone like this. It made him feel oddly free, even a little giddy, as though he could do anything at all.

Emboldened, he reached for the hem of Edér's shirt and tugged it off over his head. In his impatience, he was uncharacteristically careless: opening his hand and letting the shirt fall to the floor, not sparing even a glance to see where it had landed. Aloth had had opportunities to see Edér shirtless before; separate rooms and the sort of modesty that kept people fully clothed even when that clothing was inconvenient or impractical hadn't always been a luxury their small party could afford. But he hadn't really looked, or at least he'd tried not to.

Now, he had no reason to hold back. Edér was solidly built, with the muscles of a man who'd made his living with physical labor. His faded tan and freckled shoulders told the tale of a life lived mostly outdoors and in a climate warm enough during at least part of the year for shirts to be optional. He had scars, too, each no doubt with their own story, but what fighter didn't? One pale line cut across his ribs and another over his bicep, and there were more that weren't visible, but were still clearly felt under Aloth's exploring fingers. He hadn't intended to touch Edér like this, at least not yet, but after a lifetime of trying to neither look nor touch, he was finding it difficult to do one and not the other. 

“You like what you see?” Edér asked at last, and though his tone was teasing and he wore an easy grin, Aloth flushed and apologized.

“It's all right. You were going to see it all anyway.” Edér didn't seem embarrassed or uncomfortable in the least, which Aloth couldn't understand. Didn't it bother him to be so exposed?

Still, Edér made a fair point. He took a deep breath to prepare, then removed his own tunic as well, dropping it on top of Edér's. Aloth knew he shouldn't feel so self-conscious. It was true he had scars of his own and while they weren't any more numerous than Edér's, they nonetheless told a story – a story he had spent most of his life trying to hide – but that story was one that Edér already knew.

Knowing, however, was not the same as seeing; he saw the proof of that in Edér's eyes and the way his expression hardened as he looked at the history of Aloth's childhood writ clearly across his skin. 

“Perhaps this was a bad idea.” He didn't _want_ to say it, but Aloth had spent enough time trying to read people that Edér's anger was as clear as if he'd shouted it.

“What? Nah, it's not like that. I just didn't know it was this bad.” Which was the point; Aloth never wanted anyone to know how bad it had been. It wasn't the sort of thing one talked about. Like Iselmyr's very existence, his father's violent rages brought shame on his family and served as lasting proof of his own weakness.

When Edér touched him this time, slowly tracing a long jagged scar that slanted upward from one hip, he was obviously trying to be even more gentle than before. It was scarcely a touch, the merest brush of fingertips, but before Aloth could protest, point out that no matter what had happened in his past, he wasn't made of glass and wouldn't stand to be treated as if he were, Edér followed the path of his fingers with his mouth, kissing where he had just touched. Aloth swallowed hard, protest vanished as if it had never been. He had enjoyed kissing before, but it was nothing compared to this. It seemed he had never properly appreciated the potential of kissing other than on the mouth, never considered the pleasure of a wet tongue and hot breath over sensitive skin.

He shivered, but remained standing as long as he could, Edér tracing each scar with his fingers, followed by lips and tongue. Finally Aloth gave up and pulled away to sit heavily on the bed, legs shaking and knees feeling like they should have given out long ago. He didn't want to stop, but he didn't know how to say that, so he reached for Edér's wrist, pulling him toward him as he lay back.

It should have frightened him to have someone larger and heavier laying across him like this, weight almost pinning him to the bed as Edér kissed him again, using his tongue to urge Aloth's mouth open before slipping inside it. On some level it did, a reflexive hint of terror at his implicit vulnerability, but arousal let him put the fear aside – that and the fact that, much to his surprise, he found that he actually trusted Edér to keep his word.

It helped, of course, that he was no longer a child and he knew he wasn't truly helpless. Edér might have greater weight and reach, but magic was a great evener of odds. But even with that caveat, it was a momentous enough realization that Aloth finally let go, tension he'd been holding for so many years he'd long since ceased to even notice it fading away as he gave himself over to the moment. And for once, Iselmyr didn't leap at the opportunity, not even when he shifted his hips to rub against Edér in the sort of shameless fashion he'd have derided her for (while secretly envying her freedom to do as she liked). 

Edér shifted on top of him, pulling his head back just enough that they were no longer kissing, then without further notice, he ground his pelvis against Aloth's hard and fast - once, twice, then a third time, perhaps for good measure. Aloth gasped, but it was more an expression of surprise than one of protest.

“I'd ask if you were sure you still wanted to do this, but you feel pretty sure to me.”

“I wouldn't say you're any better off,” Aloth snapped, the words returning him to his usual self enough to feel embarrassed by the open acknowledgment of the way his body responded to their current activities (or maybe just to Edér; he was hardly in a position to say for certain). It was enough that it was obvious to them both; did they really have to talk about it?

Edér, on the other hand, just sounded amused. “Never said I wasn't turned on. I thought that was the whole point. But maybe frustration just makes you cranky.” Edér rolled off to lay on his side next to him, leaving one leg resting over both of Aloth's, then lifted a hand and slowly walked his fingers up the clearly visible outline of Aloth's erection. “Guess I'll just have to do something about that.”

Aloth gasped again, but successfully kept himself from squirming under Edér's teasing touches. He held it together through Edér opening his pants and even through a few strokes of his hand. But at the first touch of Edér's mouth, Aloth forgot himself enough to moan, a wanton sound that he wouldn't have imagined could emerge from his throat – not when he was himself, at least. It was nothing compared to the way he used to scream when Iselmyr took over, but it was enough to make him bite his lip, determined not to do it again.

But Edér looked up at him with those clear blue eyes that saw far more than Aloth had ever given him credit for. “Don't worry about it. You know what this place is like – we can make all the noise we want and no one'll notice. Of course, when we're in a smaller place, you might want to keep it down.”

Aloth still tried, but keeping it down was soon the last thing on his mind. What he wanted was _more_ : more of the wet heat of Edér's mouth on his cock and the intriguing way his tongue toyed with the tip; more of the way it made him feel, so much more intense than the rare times he'd felt safe enough to try touching himself. He forgot to pay attention to attempting to remain silent; forgot to keep his hips still, or at least to not thrust into Edér's mouth or grab at his hair. All his self-consciousness vanished, lost in pleasure and pure physical need, the very things he never allowed himself to feel for fear of exactly this: losing control.

But despite his fears, he stayed himself throughout, even when he came in Edér's mouth, his head tilted back and eyes closed, a wordless cry on his lips. And Edér didn't seem inclined to complain. He looked up at Aloth and smirked in the sort of self-satisfied way that Aloth would normally find highly irritating. Now, however, despite his swollen lips and mussed hair, random bits standing on end from where Aloth had tugged at them, Edér looked both smug and almost beautiful, which wasn't an adjective Aloth would ever have applied to him previously.

“I take it you enjoyed yourself? Just a guess, now.”

Aloth sighed in reply and shook his head, but however obnoxious he found the comment, he couldn't keep himself from smiling in return.

“From your expression, you hardly need me to feed your ego. However, so far this encounter has been rather one-sided.” Not that Aloth was particularly equipped to change that, but he was willing to at least make the attempt. He'd never had to worry previously about developing a reputation as a selfish lover and in truth he didn't expect Edér to go complaining to anyone even if he left things here, but there was more to it than that. He wanted to do it; to repay the favor in kind and see if he could provoke from Edér the same kinds of responses he'd coaxed from him. Suddenly he wanted very much to see him with his face flushed even pinker than it was now and to hear him moan or maybe even whimper.

“If you want to change that, I'm not going to stop you.” Edér stretched out on his back next to Aloth, legs spread in an open invitation. “Don't worry too much about anything you don't know. It's not that different from touching yourself and anyway, enthusiasm makes up for a lot.”

Which might be true for Edér, but Aloth still had his doubts. In his experience, enthusiasm had rarely been anything close to a sufficient substitute for skill in any area whatsoever.

Aloth started with a kiss, both because he wanted to and because it was the one act in which he had any confidence in his ability. From there, he proceeded from memory, copying what he remembered Edér doing to him: sucking lightly on earlobes and the side of his neck, kissing his way along scars, and licking, albeit a bit tentatively, at nipples.

It all went well enough until he had Edér's pants open and was staring at his erect cock from a far closer vantage than he'd ever seen anyone's before. Aloth froze, suddenly unsure. He remembered what Edér had done, at least mostly, but it was all so mixed up with how it had felt that he wasn't at all sure he could reproduce it. 

_I could help ye with that._ Iselmyr pointed out, apparently at the limit of her ability to remain silent.

Aloth started to turn her down out of sheer habit, annoyed at her intrusion, when he realized that was foolish. He'd agreed to try harder to make peace with her presence and for once, she might actually be of some use. “Very well. But advice only, please.”

“Ye'll take it?” Iselmyr's mental voice sounded shocked. “Fer once ye're talking sense. I knew ye just needed a good roll in the hay.”

“Don't make me change my mind.” Aloth's reply was icy, even more so than usual. Perhaps listening to her even this much had been a mistake.

“Aye, all right. Ye tempt me to leave ye t' fumble yer way through it, but it'd be too painful t' watch.”

It was a strange experience, attempting to learn how to perform oral sex on the fly while following instructions from the long-dead woman in his head. But if Edér noticed, he clearly didn't care, and the sounds he made: his groan when Aloth was doing something he really enjoyed and the needy little whimpers when he was close to coming, were every bit as satisfying as Aloth had hoped.

After, Aloth could have told him he had to go back to his own room, but Edér made no move to get up and Aloth felt no particular need to tell him to go. Instead he curled beside him, surprised to find the warmth of Edér's body and the sense of his presence next to him relaxing instead of annoying. 

“Was that all you? Sorry if I shouldn't be asking, but I like to know who I've just slept with.” Edér yawned a bit as he asked, but he sounded honestly curious.

“Yes. I'll probably never hear the end of it, but it was me the whole time.” The advice at the end hardly counted, after all – he'd still been in control of his body.

“She was watching us?” Aloth would have been appalled, but Edér just sounded intrigued by the idea.

“I could hardly keep her from it.” Even if he could shut her out completely, he could never have done it under these circumstances - not when he'd been nervous enough that she'd have been near the surface anyway, and especially not when his activities were something she was actually interested in. It was astonishing Iselmyr had stayed as quiet as she had.

“That'll take some getting used to.” It was a quiet observation, nothing more – quiet enough that Edér might have meant to say it to himself.

Aloth caught the implication that Edér thought they'd do this again, but he didn't call him on it. Making a habit of it didn't seem wise, but he wasn't entirely averse to the idea of a few repeat occasions. If the situation were exactly as it appeared, he'd have probably been looking forward to it.

As it was, he reminded himself sternly not to get attached. Aloth knew perfectly well that he couldn't afford to get close to any of these people, nor allow them to feel close to him. There was no reason to feel disappointment about that either; it was for the best all around. One who never trusted could never be betrayed and those without close ties could never have those ties used against them. He drifted off to sleep with Iselmyr's words on that subject drifting through his mind.

_Liar._


End file.
